The Argument

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who managed to get the most out of his computer. 
This had been going on for days and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.
God said, "Cool it.  I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."
So down they sat at the keyboards and

 They typed away.
 They moused away.
 They did spreadsheets,
 They wrote reports,
 They sent faxes,
 They sent out e-mail,
 They sent out e-mail   

 with attachments,
 They downloaded,
 They did some genealogy 

  reports,
 They made cards,
 They did every known job.
But just a few minutes before the two hours were up lightening flashed across the sky. 
The thunder rolled and the rains came down hard.  And of course the  electricity went off. 
Satan was upset.  He fumed and fussed and he ranted and raved. 
All to no avail. The electricity stayed off.
But after a bit the rains stopped and the electricity came back on.
Satan screamed, "I lost it all when the power went off. What am I going to do?
What happened to Jesus' work?"
Jesus just sat and smiled.
Again Satan asked about the work that Jesus had done,
but as Jesus turned his computer back on the screen glowed and when he pushed "print ," it was all there.
"How did he do it?" Satan asked.
God smiled and said,

 "Jesus Saves."

Het examen

Een helikopterpiloot moet vliegexamen doen. De examinator zegt: "Ik stel jouw drie vragen, als je ze alle drie goed hebt, ben je geslaagd.
De helikopter stijgt op. De examinator wijst naar een meter en vraagt aan de piloot: "Wat is dit voor meter?". De piloot antwoordt: "de benzinemeter".
De examinator wijst naar een andere meter en vraagt: "Wat is dit voor meter?
De piloot antwoordt: "de hoogtemeter". En nu de laatste vraag: "Wat is dat ding boven ons wat ronddraait? De piloot antwoordt: "Dat is de airco".
De examinator schudt met z'n hoofd en zegt: "Jammer maar dat is niet goed".
De piloot zegt: "oh nee, moet u eens zien hoe warm u het krijgt als ik dat ding uitzet."

Storks

Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him.
 "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy."
The next night, it's father's turn to do the job.  Mother and son are sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."
A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate: their son is absent from the nest all night!  Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he has been all night. The baby stork says, "Nowhere. Just scaring the hell out of college students!"

Wisdom

An organisation is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels.
Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.
The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes…

Papagaaien 

Een vrouw raadpleegde op een dag haar priester en vertelde hem: "Vader, ik heb een probleem. Ik heb twee sprekende vrouwtjes- papagaaien, maar ze kunnen maar een ding zeggen."

"En wat is dat dan?" vroeg de priester.

"Ze zeggen alleen maar: Hallo, we zijn twee callgirls, wil je een boel plezier hebben?"

"Verschrikkelijk!" roept de priester uit. "Maar ik heb wellicht een oplossing. Breng ze bij me thuis, dan zal ik ze in de kooi stoppen bij mijn twee pratende mannetjes-papagaaien, die ik geleerd heb te bidden en de bijbel te citeren. Mijn papagaaien zullen die van jouw wel afleren van die verschrikkelijke dingen te zeggen.  Ze zullen leren te bidden en voortaan alleen maar vrome dingen zeggen."

"Oh, vader, dank u wel," antwoordde de vrouw enthousiast.

De volgende dag bracht de vrouw haar twee vrouwtjes-papagaaien naar het huis van de priester. Ze zag dat de twee mannetjes een rozenkrans in hun poten geklemd hielden en zaten te bidden. Ze zette haar twee vrouwtjes-papagaaien in de kooi en onmiddellijk zeiden ze: "Hallo, we zijn twee callgirls, wil je een boel plezier hebben?"

De ene mannetjes-papagaai keek de andere aan en riep uit: "Doe die rozenkrans maar weg Charlie, onze gebeden zijn verhoord!"

Aliens

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the petrol pumps, and one of them said to it, "Greetings, earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The petrol pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the petrol pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently,
"Earthling, how dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you mustn't anger him!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.
There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us! But how did you know he was so dangerous?"
The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during all my travels through the galaxy, it's that if a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick into his own ear, don't mess with him!"

The Dog

There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua.  The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restau­rant and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead."

They walk over to the restaurant. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in.
A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"
He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."

The guy at the door says, "Come on in."
The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck." So he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.

The guy at the door says,  "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
The guy with the Chihuahua says,

 "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"