10.  Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"

09.  Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown."

08.  First words when kid gets on his lap are, "Touch my beard 
      and I'll put the hurt on you."

07.  Sends him off on one of them Carnival Cruises with Kathie Lee.

06.  Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the dork list.

05.  Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.

04.  By the time he gets to your house, all he's left are styrofoam peanuts.

03.  Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling.

02.  Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes.

01.  Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"