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The
Manager
A
company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new manager.
This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the manager notices a guy leaning on
a wall.
The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to
show everyone he means business!
The manager walks up the guy and asks: "And how much money do
you make a week?"
Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make
$200.00 a week. Why?"
The manager then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams: "Here's
a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the manager looks
around the room and asks: "Does anyone want to tell me what
that slacker did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters:
"Pizza delivery guy".
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Army
A
friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and as
always the preacher was standing at the door shaking hands as the
congregation departed. He grabbed my friend by the hand and
pulled him aside.
The preacher said to him, "You need to join the Army of the
Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord,
Preacher."
The preacher questioned, "How come I don't see you except for
Christmas and Easter?
... He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
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The
Exam
A
student comes to a young professor's office hours. She
glances down the hall, closes his door, and says, "I would
do anything to pass this exam." She then leans closer to him,
flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes and says, "I
mean," she whispers,
"I would do anything."
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
"Anything."
His voice softens. "Anything?"
"Anything."
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you... study?"
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Goldfish
Little
Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over
the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he
politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up,
"and I've just buried him."
The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a
goldfish, isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's
because he's inside your damn cat." |
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The
Judge
A
New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to
appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as
he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the
judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the
afternoon and he would have to return
the next day.
"What for?!?!?" he snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out
loud:
"Twenty dollars contempt of court! That's why!"
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented:
"That's all right. You don't have to pay now."
The young man replied, "I know. I'm just seeing if I have
enough for two more words."
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Nuns
Two
nuns are riding their bikes down the back streets of Rome. One leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've never
come this way before."
The other nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones..." |
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The
Mugger
Late
one night in Washington, a mugger wearing a ski mask
jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his
ribs.
"Give me your money!" he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this. I'm a
United States Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the robber, "give me my
money!"
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Fairy Tales
The
little girl had just listened to her mother's reading one of her
favorite fairy tales.
"Mommy," asked the child, "do all fairy tales begin with
"Once Upon a Time...?"
"No, dearest," replied the mother, "sometimes they start
with 'Darling, I have to work a little late at the office
tonight..." |
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Punishment
A
young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade
class.
It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the
chalkboard.
Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.
She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Bobby?"
"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."
"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't
want to see you for three days!"
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard.
Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches
to the very top of the chalkboard.
Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male
student.
She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny Billy?"
"Well teacher, I just saw BOTH of your garters."
Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time
the punishment is more severe,
and tells him - "I don't want to see you for three
weeks!"
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns
around again.
So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of
laughter from another male student.
She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
"And where do you think you are going?" she asks.
"Well teach, from what I just saw, my school days are
over!"
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Marriage
An
elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement
village.
They seem to hit it off; they share each other's values, enjoy the
same jokes,
and find pleasure in each other's company.
After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in
marriage.
She appears hesitant and decides to probe her soon-to-be a little.
"Perhaps I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth,
but....How's your health?"
"It's OK", he answers. "I'm not getting any
younger, but I don't have
any major health problems. I can still enjoy life".
"Well, then", she replies "I don't want to be a
snoop, but I've
got to protect myself: how are you fixed financially?"
"So-so. I'm not rich, but I'm comfortable. You don't have
to worry about me sponging off you; I can support myself".
The little old lady blushes, and finally asks her swain -
"And how's your sex life...."
"Infrequently", he declares.
The widow ponders this for a moment or so, before asking...
"And is that one word or two?
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Jokes