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Enmity
Two
Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York.
One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat.
Just
before takeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle
seat next to the Arabs.
He
kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when
the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get
a coke."
"No problem," said the Israeli. "I'll get it for
you."
While
he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in
it.
When
the Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said,
"That looks good. I think I'll have one too."
Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he is
gone the other Arab picked up the other shoe and spit in it.
The
Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed
the short flight to New York.
As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his
shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asked.
"This
enmity between our peoples... this hatred... this animosity...
this... spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes !?"
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Hunters
A
couple of Arkansas hunters are out in the woods when one of
them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing,
his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He
gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I
do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take
it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard...
The hunter says, "OK, now what?"
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The
Nuns
Two
nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the
last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must
not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After
conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to
lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint
in the nude.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the
door.
"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side
of the door.
The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and decide that no
harm can come from letting a blind man into the room.
They open the door.
"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you
want these blinds?"
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24
hours
A
Guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and
immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette
lighter.
The
first guy says "Wow, cool lighter...where did you get
it?"
"A genie from a bottle granted me one wish."
"Great, can I try it?"
"Sure."
First
guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are
granted one wish says the genie."
The guy says, "I want a million bucks!"
"Done" says the genie and disappears.
A
few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and
in come pouring in ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks
falling all over each other through the bar door.
"I can't believe this," says the guy who had just
placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a
million ducks!"
The
second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for
a 12" Bic?"
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The
Visit
The
Father, passing thru the son's college town late one night
on a business trip, thought he would pay a surprise visit to
the boy.
Arriving
at the fraternity house, he knocked on the door.
After
several minutes of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down
from a second floor window.
"Whaddya
want?"
"Does Jimmy Duncan live here?" asked the father.
"Yeah!" replied the voice. "Dump him on the
front porch and we'll take care of him in the morning."
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Consult
Osama
bin Laden, not feeling well and concerned about his
mortality, goes to consult a psychic about the date of his
death.
Closing
her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future
she finds the answer.
"You will die on an American holiday."
"Which one?" Osama bin Laden asks nervously.
"It
doesn't matter," replied the psychic. Whenever you die,
it will be an American holiday!"
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Swearing
A
7-year-old boy and his 4-year-old brother are upstairs in
their bedroom.
The
7-year-old is explaining that it is high time that the two
of them begin swearing.
When
his little brother responds enthusiastically, the 7 year old
says,"When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning,
I'll say "Hell" and you say "ass."
The
4-year-old happily agrees.
As
the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table,
their Mother walks in and asks her older son what he would
like to eat for breakfast.
The
7 year old replies, "Ah hell, mom, I'll just have some
Cheerios."
"WHACK!"
The
surprised mother reacts quickly.
The
boy runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind.
With
a sterner voice, the mother then asks the younger son,
"And what would YOU like for breakfast..?"
"I
don't know," the 4 year old blubbers, "but you can
bet your ass it's not gonna be Cheerios."...
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Osama's
wish...
Osama
Bin Laden has spent many days crossing the desert without finding
a source of water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst.
He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his
last, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of
the sand several yards ahead of him.
He
crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers that
he has a Manischevitz wine bottle. It appears that there may be a
drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out
pops a genie.
But
this is no ordinary genie. This genie appears to be a Hassidic
rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls,
etc.
"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it
works. You have three wishes."
"I'm
not going to trust you," says Osama. "I'm not going to
trust a Jewish genie!"
"What do you have to lose? It looks like you're a goner
anyway!"
Osama
thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is
right.
"OK, I wish I am in a lush oasis with plentiful food and
drink."
***POOF***
Osama finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen.
And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of
delicacies.
"OK,
kid, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I am rich beyond my wildest
dreams."
***POOF***
Osama finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare
gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good
one!"
After
thinking for a few minutes, Osama says: "I wish I am white
and surrounded by beautiful women."
***POOF***
Osama is turned into a Tampax.
The moral of the story is: Be careful of what you wish for...
There
may be strings attached.
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Jokes
