A Cynic's Christmas:

  1. A wobbly tree stand. 

  2. A week of inspiration and morality on TV screens that are filled with crime and violence the other 51. 

  3. Having to tear open that gift you wrapped so beautifully because you just remembered the price tag was still on it. 

  4. Trying to explain to a bright four-year-old how it's possible to pass 6 Santa Clauses in one block. 

  5. When you get a dozen calendars in the mail... and on January 1st, you can't find a single one. 

  6. When you discover some idiot put a trunk on tree decorations you stored so carefully last year. 

  7. Trying to wrap a bicycle so nobody can tell what it is. 

  8. When you can't walk into the Living Room for all the toys, and your kids say, "Is that ALL?" 

  9. Frantic last-minute shopping when a gift arrives from a relative you forgot. 

  10. When, while you're looking for a salesman, somebody buys the great tree you picked out. 

  11. When kids who don't believe in Santa Claus any more ask what he's going to bring them. 

  12. When you're surprised with a bunch of cards from the very same people you finally decided to cut from your Christmas card list this year. 

  13. The end of two weeks of courteous smiles from tip-hungry people who are sourpusses the rest of the year.

  14. Carefully matching the price of the gift you're giving this year to the gift you got last year. 

  15. When you can't find the cards you bought for half-price at that "After The Holiday Sale" last January. 

  16. Giving your kids money so they can buy you a present. 

  17. When your wife tells you to "surprise" her... and then complains when you buy her an outboard motor. 

  18. Having to watch your third child in that same old school classic, the "Christmas Pageant". 

  19. When you burn all the wrappings and then discover you can't find the 100-dollar bill you got as a present. 

  20. When you go to your 18th Office Christmas Party, and the Big Boss asks you your name for the 18th time. 

  21. When the Grandparents bring the very same toys you swore you'd never let your children have. 

  22. When you buy your dog a neat toy out of your own money, and he won't play with it. 

  23. When you suddenly discover that all the cards you had printed and all the envelopes you finally addressed are not the same size.

 

FRONTPAGE