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Dear
Santa:
I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need a
new stereo, handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers. I only want one
little thing, and I want it deeply.
I want to slap Martha Stewart.
Now, hear me out, Santa. I won't scar her or draw blood or
anything. Just one good smack, right across her smug little cheek.
I get all cozy inside just thinking about it.
Don't grant this wish just for me, do it for thousands of people
across the country. Through sheer vicarious satisfaction, you'll
be giving a gift to us all. Those of us leading average, garden
variety lives aren't
concerned with gracious living.
We feel pretty good about ourselves if our paper plates match when
we stack them on the counter, buffet-style for dinner.
We're tired of Martha showing us how to make centerpieces from
hollyhock dipped in 18 carat gold. We're plumb out of liquid gold.
Unless it's of the furniture polish variety. We can't whip up
Martha's creamy holiday sauce, spiced with turmeric. Most of us
can't even say turmeric, let alone figure out what to do with it.
OK, Santa, maybe you think I'm being a little harsh. But I'll bet
with all the holiday rush you didn't catch that interview with
Martha in last week's USA Weekend. I'm surprised there was enough
room on the page for her ego.
We discovered that not only does Martha avoid take-out pizza
(she's only ordered it once), she refuses to eat it cold (No cold
pizza, Is Martha Stewart Living)?
When it was pointed out that she could microwave it, she replied,
"I don't have a microwave." The reporter, Jeffrey
Zaslow, noted that she said this "in a tone that suggests you
shouldn't either." Well lah-dee-dah.
Imagine that, Santa! That lovely microwave you brought me years
ago, in which I've learned to make complicated dishes like popcorn
and hot chocolate, has been declared undesirable by Queen Martha.
What next? The coffee
maker?
In the article, we learned that Martha has 40 sets of dishes
adorning an entire wall in her home. Forty sets. Can you spell
"overkill"? And neatly put away, no less. If my dishes
make it to the dishwasher, that qualifies as "put away"
in my house!
Martha tells us she's already making homemade holiday gifts for
friends. "Last year, I made amazing silk-lined scarves for
everyone," she boasts.
Not just scarves, mind you. Amazing scarves. Martha's obviously
not shy about giving herself a little pat on the back. In fact,
she does so with such frequency that one has to wonder if her back
is black and blue.
She goes on to tell us that "homemaking is glamour for the
90s," and says her most glamorous friends are
"interested in stain removal, how to iron a monogram, and how
to fold a towel."
I have one piece of advice, Martha: "Get new friends."
Glamorous friends fly to Paris on a whim. They drift past the
Greek Islands on yachts, sipping champagne from crystal goblets.
They step out for the evening in shimmering satin gowns, whisked
away by tuxedoed chauffeurs. They do not spend their days
pondering the finer art of toilet bowl sanitation.
Zaslow notes that Martha was named one of America's 25 most influential
people by Time magazine (nosing out Mother Theresa, Madeline Allbright
and Maya Angelou, no doubt).
The proof of Martha's influence: after she bought white-fleshed peaches
in the supermarket, Martha says, "People saw me buy them. In an
instant, they were all gone." I hope Martha never decides to jump
off a bridge.
A guest in Martha's home told Zaslow how Martha gets up early to roller
blade with her dogs to pick fresh wild blackberries for breakfast. This
confirms what I've suspected about Martha all along: She's obviously got
too much time on her hands. Teaching the dogs to roller blade. What a
showoff.
If you think the dogs are spoiled, listen to how Martha treats her
friends: She gave one friend all 272 books from the Knopf Everyman
Library. It didn't cost much. Pocket change, really. Just $5,000. But
what price friendship, right?
When asked if others should envy her, Martha replies, "Don't envy
me. I'm doing this because I'm a natural teacher. You shouldn't envy
teachers. You should listen to them." Zaslow must have slit a seam
in Martha's ego at this point, because once the hot air came hissing
out, it couldn't be held back.
"Being an overachiever is nothing despicable. It is only admirable.
Never lower your standards," says Martha. And of her Web Page on
the Internet, Martha declares herself an "important presence"
as she graciously helps people organize their sad, tacky little lives.
There you have it, Santa. If there was ever someone who deserved a good
smack, it's Martha Stewart. But I bet I won't get my gift this year.
Johnny
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