Let me see if I've got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn't laundering illegal drug money?
- - - Tom Armstrong

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
- - - Shirley Temple Black

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.
- - - Victor Borge

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white man would be coming into my neighborhood after dark.
- - - Dick Gregory

Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, He must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, Must be a pacifist. What's in that pipe that he's smoking?
- - - Arlo Guthrie

I played Santa Claus many times, and if you don't believe it, check out the divorce settlements awarded my wives.
- - - Groucho Marx

Santa is even-tempered. Santa does not hit children over the head who kick him. Santa uses the term folks rather than Mommy and Daddy because of all the broken homes. Santa does not have a three-martini lunch. Santa does not borrow money from store employees. Santa wears a good deodorant.
- - - Jenny Zink (To employees of Western Temporary Services, world's largest supplier of Santa Clauses