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Dear
Readers of The Post Pigeon,
I
regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able
to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming
current population of the earth, my contract was re-negotiated by North
American Fairies and Elves Local 209.
I now serve only certain areas of
Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and
better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that
in mind. However, I'm certain your children will be in good hands with
your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His
side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering
toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences
between us.
Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus.
He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:
"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an
RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't
smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit
cup handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead
of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one
time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen
..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On
Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on
Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And
you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I hear'd
dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a
Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back
off" The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh
back as well. One is a Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through
the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee
wee on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th
Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in
your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves
Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt
Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each
other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the
wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents
under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like
"Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa
Claus Is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be
played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will
be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and
"Grandma Got Run'd Over by a Reindeer."
Sincerely Yours,
(member
of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)
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