Two feet tall, forty feet wide...

Salesman's opening line: "You're not a cop, are you?"

It looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of coat hangers stuck into it.

While you sleep, it gets liquored up and takes the family caravan for a joy ride.

Each branch has "Duraflame" printed on it.

Keeps heckling while you try to do a lame top ten list.

It's very small and says "Air Freshener" on it.

Rabbis have better Christmas trees than yours.

Some guy named Mujibur puts a cheap Statue of Liberty on top of it.

Constantly bragging about its "trunk size".