Jokes

Heaven

Tom Fogerty has died. He wakes up and finds himself on a stage on which a number of instruments are set up. A door offstage opens and in walk Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Brian Jones, John Lennon, Otis Redding, and Buddy Holly.

Each musician picks up his favorite instrument and begins tuning up. All of the instruments are taken but, to Tom's immense pleasure, the drums.

He walks up to Jimi and says, "Man, so this is what heaven is like."

Jimi looks at him and says, "Heaven? You think this is heaven?"

At that moment, Karen Carpenter walks in, takes her seat behind the drums, and calls out,

"Okay guys, 'Close to You'. One, two, three, four..."

Heaven

Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven.

St. Peter asked them to identify themselves.

One doctor stepped forward and said, "I was a pediatric
orthopedic surgeon and helped correct deformities in children."

St. Peter said, "You may enter."

The second doctor said, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped
people rehabilitate themselves."

St. Peter also invited him in.

The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an HMO manager. I helped people get cost-effective health care."

St.Peter said, "You can come in too."

As the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter added, "You can only stay three days. After that, you can go to hell."

On the Beach

Susan was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman
reading on the blanket beside hers.

"Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like movies?"

"Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book.

Susan persisted. "Do you like gardening?"

The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said politely before returning to his reading.

Undaunted, Susan asked. "Do you like pussycats?"

With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Susan, ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before.

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Susan dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man thought for a moment and replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

Older

Leah and Shifrah are old friends. They have both been
married to their husbands for a long time; Shifrah is upset
because she thinks her husband doesn't find her attractive anymore.

"As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Shifrah cries.

"I'm so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get
more beautiful every day." replies Leah.

"Yes, but your husband's an antique dealer...!"

Question

"May I take your order?" the waiter asked.

"Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?"

"Nothing special sir," he replied. "We just tell them
straight out that they're going to die."

The Punisment

There's a kid who lives on a farm. One day he comes home from school in a really bad mood. Walking to the house he sees a pig and kicks it. Then he sees a chicken and kicks that.

When he walks in the house his mother, who was watching him through the window, says, "I saw you kick those animals. For kicking the pig, you'll have no bacon for a week. For kicking the chicken, you'll have no eggs for a week."

The kid was about to say something when his father walks through the door, also in a foul mood, and kicks the cat.

The kid says to his mom, "You want to tell him or should I?"