|
12
years old
A
guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-year old
scotch.
The bartender thinks "this guy doesn't know the
difference," so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch.
The patron takes one sip and spits it out. He promptly hollers at
the bartender "I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!"
Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch.
The patron takes a sip...same reaction.
But the bartender still doesn't believe the patron knows the
difference.
So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction
from the patron.
Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass
of 12-year-old scotch.
The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied.
All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the
bar has been watching.
He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkedly
says:
"Shay mishter, tashte this!" The patron obliges...he
promptly spits it out.
"That tastes like pee!," he shoots back at the drunk.
The drunk replies: "It ish. Now how old am I?"
|
|
The
Diver
One
day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea
level.
He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no
scuba gear whatsoever.
The diver went below another 20 ft, but the guy joined him a
few minutes later.
The diver went below 25 ft, but minutes later, the same guy
joined him.
This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof
chalk-and-board set, and wrote:
"How the hell are you able to stay under this deep
without equipment?"
The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had
written, and wrote:
"I'M DROWNING, YOU MORON!!!"
|
|
|
Accident
A
Blonde goes into work and she's 1 hour late.
"How come you're late?" asked her boss.
"It was awful!" she explained.
"I was walking down Elm street and there was a terrible
accident.
A man was thrown from his car and he was lying in the middle
of the street.
His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was
blood everywhere.
Thank God I took that first-aid course!"
"What did you do?" asked her boss.
Well, remembering what my instructor said, I went right into
action and...
"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep
from fainting!"
|
|
|
Nursing
Home
Once
upon a time there was an elderly gentleman who was suffering
from Alzheimer's.
His
wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn't
handle him any longer. He would wander about never knowing
where he was or sometimes even who he was. She took him to a
nursing home.
At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out
paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair.
Suddenly
the man starting slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran
over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up.
A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right.
Again, the nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right
side.
Then he starting leaning forward. This time, the nurse
strapped him into the chair.
About this time, his wife, having completed the paperwork,
walked up to him and asked, "How do you like the
place?"
"It's okay, I guess" he said. "But, they
won't let me fart!"
|
|
|
Wisdom
A
guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and
while he's drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over the
place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs
some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table,
grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your
monkey just did!?!"
The
guy says, "No, what?"
"He
just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the
bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. He
eats everything in sight.
I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink,
pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with
him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the
bar again.
While
the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino
cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it in his butt, pulls it
out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did
now!?!", he asks.
"Now
what?", responds the patron.
"Well,
he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and
ate it!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron.
"He
still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue
ball he measures everything first!"
|
|
Jokes