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Dinner
A
man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.
Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away,
suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the
table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the
way down his chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and
unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the
table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just
slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied, "No he didn't.
He just walked in the door."
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The
Daughter
Once
there was a millionaire who collected live alligators. He
kept them in the pool in
back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful
daughter that was single.
One day he decides to throw a huge party, during the party
he announces: "My dear guests,
I have a proposition to every man here. I will give 1
million dollars or my daughter to the man that can swim
across this pool full of alligators and emerge
unharmed!"
As soon as he finished his last word there was the sound of
a large splash! There was one guy
in the pool swimming with all his might, the crowd cheered
him on as he kept stroking.
Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed.
The millionaire was impressed, he said, "My boy that
was incredible!
Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must
keep my end of the bargain.
Which do you want my daughter or the 1 million
dollars?"
The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money and I
don't want your daughter...
I want the person who pushed me in that water!"
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Bekeuring
Een
mooie jonge vrouw rijdt op een scooter door de stad. Ze
wordt aangehouden door een politieagent.
"Mevrouw,
u draagt geen helm. Daar krijgt u een bekeuring voor.
Maar... ik ben de beroerdste niet. Ik vertel u een
raadseltje en als u het juiste antwoord weet, vergeet ik die
bekeuring." De
vrouw ruikt haar kans om er boete vanaf te komen en stemt
toe. De
agent vragt haar: "Wat heeft vier wielen en een
stuur?" "Nou,"
zegt de vrouw, "Dat is niet zo moeilijk: een
auto!" "Fout!"
zegt de agent. "U had iets specifieker moeten zijn: een
Opel, Ford, Mercedes..." De
vrouw werd behoorlijk pissig. De agent is echter in een
goede bui en geeft haar een herkansing met een tweede
raadseltje. "Wat
heeft twee wielen en een stuur?" "Een
motor," antwoordt de vrouw snel. "Fout!
U bent weer niet specifiek genoeg. Is het een Kawazaki, een
Suzuki, een Honda...?" Met
een venijnig lachje om de mond begint de agent een bekeuring
van € 35 uit te schrijven. Dan
zegt de vrouw: "Agent, ik heb ook een raadseltje voor
u." "Prima,"
zegt de agent. "Laat maar horen." "Het
is schaars gekleed en vraagt geld voor seks." De
agent hoeft niet lang na te denken en antwoordt: "Een
hoer." "Fout!"
zegt de vrouw. "U bent niet specifiek genoeg. "Is
het je vrouw, je dochter, je moeder..."
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A
Wish
There
were two golfers on the golf course. One of them pulled out
a cigarette and asks his friend for a light. His friend
pulls out a 12 inch Bic lighter.
"Wow,
where did you get such a large Bic?"
"Oh,
my genie got it for me."
"Your
genie? You have a genie? Where is he?"
"He's
in my golf bag."
"Can
I see him?"
"Sure!"
So
the friend looks in the golf bag and out comes the genie.
The
man says to the genie: "I am your master's best friend.
Would you grant me just one wish?" So
the man wishes for a million bucks. The genie goes back into
the golf back without saying a word. Pretty soon the sky
starts to get dark. Then it gets even darker. The man looks
up a sees a million ducks flying over. He
gets real upset and says: "What is the matter with your
genie? Is he hard of hearing? I said a million bucks,
not a million ducks !" His
friend says to him: "Do you really think I asked for a
12 inch Bic?"
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God
and Gates
"Well,
Bill," said God, "I'm really confused on this one. I'm
not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you
enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every
home in the world, and yet you created that ghastly Windows. I'm
going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let
you decide where you want to go."
Bill
replied, "Well thanks, God. What's the difference between
the two?"
God said, "You take a peek at both places briefly. It will
help you decide. Shall we look at Hell first?"
"Sure" said Bill, "Let's go!"
Bill was amazed! He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear
waters. There were thousands of beautiful men and women running
around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about.
The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect.
"This is great!" said Bill. "If this is Hell, I
can't wait to see heaven."
God replied, "Let's go!" and so off they went to
Heaven.
Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky with angels
drifting about playing harps and singing.
It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell.
Bill Gates thought for only a brief moment and rendered his
decision.
"God, I do believe I would like to go to Hell."
"As you desire," said God.
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire
to see how things were going. He found Bill Gates shackled to a
wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was
being burned and tortured by demons.
" How ya doin', Bill?" asked God.
Bill responded with anguish and despair, "This is awful!
This is not what I expected at all! What happened to the beach
and the beautiful women playing in the water?"
"Oh THAT!" said God. "That was the Screen
saver."
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Jokes